Wake Up to Gratitude

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awareness, gratitude, marriage, morning, relationships

Gratitude toward your partner is one of the most positive qualities you can cultivate in your relationship, and today’s strategy is a simple and painless way to cultivate that quality.

Every morning, when you wake up, think of three things that you appreciate about your partner. Carlson suggests that doing this will help prevent you from stressing later in the day about the little irritations, and I agree. It’s hard to be irritated with your partner when you started the day focusing on their good qualities.

Source: sheknows.com

The one suggestion I would add to this is that it might help to consider doing this at different times of day if you don’t see your partner much in the morning. For example, I see my husband when he leaves for work and when he comes home for lunch, but I don’t really see him for a significant amount of time most days until he comes home from work around 5:30, so it might make sense for me to think of three things I appreciate about him every day right before he arrives home so that it will be fresh in my mind during the time of day when I spend the bulk of my time with him.

Basically, though, this suggestion is short and sweet, so I’ll keep this post short and sweet too. Try it out and see if it works for you! If you want to read more about the influence of gratitude on relationships or about how you can cultivate gratitude toward your partner, feel free to check out the resources below.

“I Hate Drama!”: The Curse of the High Maintenance Partner

Tags

marriage, perspective, relationships

Have you ever noticed that people who say, “I hate drama!” are often those who are constantly involved in drama? If you were to ask them about it, though, you would quickly learn that they are NOT the ones responsible for the drama. They can tell you story after story of the unreasonable, dramatic people in their lives, and all the horrible things they have experienced at the hands of these people. You see, the curse of the high maintenance person, the kind prone to drama, is an almost total inability to recognize that they are, in fact, a high maintenance person.

High Maintenance Behavior in Relationships

Sadly, in this case ignorance is not bliss because the high maintenance person is constantly in a state of turmoil, and causes stress and turmoil for everyone around them as well. Fortunately, most of us are not consistently high maintenance. For some reason, though, many of us are more high maintenance in romantic relationships than anywhere else in our lives. We get needy and jealous, requiring a level of attention and reassurance from our partners that we don’t require from anyone else in our lives. We analyze their every action, require apologies for even the slightest of mistakes, and hold them at times to a standard that is impossibly high. Obviously, none of us does these things all the time, but every time we do, it creates unnecessary stress in our relationships.

When you consider how difficult it is to be around a high maintenance person, and what a joy it is to be around a low maintenance person, it quickly becomes obvious that wherever you currently fall on the scale, it makes sense to move as far toward the low maintenance end of the scale as possible.

Source: patheos.com

Fighting High Maintenance Behavior

So how can you fight the curse of maintenance behavior, the inability to recognize your bad behavior for what it is? There are several questions you can ask yourself in a situation where you are tempted toward drama:

1. Is this really a big deal, or am I overreacting?

2. How would I react if my partner acted like I’m acting right now?

3. What would I think of this situation if I wasn’t involved in it?

4. Is there a calmer, kinder way to address this issue?

What about when you catch yourself engaging in high maintenance behavior, though? How should you react? As Carlson points out, the key is to be low maintenance about these mistakes as well. Recognize and apologize for your behavior, then forgive yourself and move on. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, so your goal is simply to move toward the low maintenance end of the scale, not to achieve perfection. Every step you take in the right direction will be one step toward a more positive relationship with your partner.

Source: flickr.com

How to Jumpstart Your Relationship

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communication, connection, marriage, relationships

Every relationship hits dull spots now and then, those times when your relationship isn’t necessarily bad, but you are just stuck in a routine and neither of you is really paying much attention to the relationship. What you need then is a jumpstart to help you refocus on your relationship!

Source: lifespan.com

Ways to Refocus on Your Relationship

Attend a relationship seminar

Relationship seminars can be a great way to connect, and will be especially useful if you pick one that addresses your current needs and interests. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

1. Gottman Institute Couples Workshops – Research-based, and extremely practical, these workshops include one-on-one support and do not require any group discussion or disclosure of private information to other participants. They are held in a variety of places around the country.

2. Location Specific Seminars – If you are looking for a seminar near you, this list includes seminars held in specific locations, although some (like the Gottman seminars) are also held throughout the country.

3. Seminars provided through your church or a community organization – These seminars are often inexpensive, planned for people with busy schedules, and may even include childcare.

Read a relationship book together

A few books that I have found very helpful:

1. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love (our source book for this blog!)

2. Boundaries in Marriage

3. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Watch a video about relationships

For example, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage is a relationship video that has good insights and is also quite humorous. (And the whole thing is free on YouTube!)

Take turns picking recent news articles about relationships to read

Discussing articles you find about relationships can be a useful starting place for discussing your own relationship, and taking turns ensures that each person is able to bring up relationship topics that are of interest to them.

Download a relationship podcast to listen to together

Listening to a podcast together can be great, especially when you are doing chores together, as they make the time fly and give you new ideas to discuss. One relationship podcast I’m currently listening to is “Labor of Love.” You can listen to it on the Real Simple website, but subscribing on iTunes makes it easier to find all the episodes.

Source: relationshipplaylist.com

Plan a short getaway and spend time discussing your relationship

Because this getaway is about spending time focusing on your relationship, it doesn’t need to be elaborate or expensive. It could be as simple as taking a weekend to go camping or rent a cabin in the woods, or even a day trip for just the two of you to a favorite place.

What if My Partner Won’t Participate?

You may find when you suggest these activities that your partner simply is not interested in participating. It might help to provide a variety of options and ask whether there is one that appeals to him more than the others. Still, you may find that your partner is not interested in any of the ideas that you suggest, whether because they do not fit his personality, he doesn’t see the benefit of them, or your relationship is struggling enough that he feels helpless to make a change. Whatever the reason, the easiest way that I know of to get around this problem is to choose the activities that appeal to you and start doing them by yourself. Let your partner know what you are doing, discuss insights that you gain, and make sure he knows that he is welcome to join you if he decides that he wants to. Even if he never decides to join you, both of you can benefit from the insights and inspiration you gain.

Source: imgfave.com

Are You Compassionate Toward Your Partner? (Includes Quiz)

Tags

attitude, caring, communication, compassion, gentleness, kindness, marriage, relationships

Take the quiz to see how much compassionate love you show your partner: Compassionate Love Quiz

When I was in elementary school, I desperately wanted to go to summer camp. Specifically, I wanted to go to Big Lake Youth Camp. Every year, they would send us beautiful brochures filled with pictures of all the fun activities I could do if only I could go to camp. Every year, though, when I asked my parents, the answer was no. Because I knew that we were tight financially, I never made a big deal about it. I knew the answer would probably be no, but I still had to ask just in case. Finally, one year, my parents said yes. Well, sort of.

Source: biglake.org

You see, my parents said yes, but they didn’t say yes to me. Our church asked for volunteers to sponsor a week of summer camp for children in the church whose families could not afford to send them, and my parents decided to sponsor a girl about my age. When I asked why they were sending her, and not me, they told me that she came from a tough family background, so she needed to go, but I didn’t. On one level, I understood. I was happy that she got to go to camp. On another level, though, I wished that my parents took my desire to go to camp more seriously. It felt like my parents cared more about someone else’s desires than they did about mine, and although it felt terribly selfish, I couldn’t help feeling hurt by that.

Why is it sometimes easier to be compassionate toward acquaintances and strangers than toward those who are closest to us? I’m sure my parents meant to do good by sending a child to camp, but they missed the hurt right in front of them. And they certainly aren’t alone in this mistake. We all lose our compassion for those closest to us at times, and especially toward our partners.

Why We Fail at Compassion

In my opinion, there are two main reasons that we fail to be as compassionate toward our partners as we should be.

1. We simply get used to having our partners around, and we forget to be intentional about paying attention to their needs and struggles.

2. We sometimes resist looking at things from our partner’s point of view because their wants or needs conflict with ours. Being compassionate toward our partners seems like it might lead to giving up what we want or need to take care of our partners, whereas if we refuse to see things from our partner’s point of view, we can pretend that our desires are more important or more reasonable than theirs.

Neither of these reasons for lacking compassion are healthy for relationships. The first one comes from complacency, while the second comes from selfishness. The next logical question, then, is why compassion is important.

Source: goodmenproject.com

Why Compassion is Important

Compassion toward our partners is important because it:

1. Helps us to maintain a positive attitude toward our partners. As we talked about last week, thinking gentle thoughts toward our partners can be a very positive thing for our relationships. It is difficult to think about someone unkindly while you are focused on understanding them and being sensitive toward their needs.

2. Reminds us that our partners are fellow humans, not problems to be solved. It’s easy to slip into the trap of seeing your partner’s actions only through the lens of how they create issues for you. Staying compassionate toward your partner helps you to remember that their wants and needs exist separately from their effect on you.

3. Helps facilitate communication. Communication is vitally important for a healthy relationship, and looking at things from the other person’s point of view is essential for positive communication. As Alison Poulson points out, being compassionate does not mean that you agree with the other person, or that you tolerate bad behavior. It simply means that you start from a place of trying to understand their thoughts and feelings. (Check out her article here – it also includes a helpful list of things that can get in the way when you are trying to be compassionate.)

4. Indicates that you have a mature relationship. According to Michelle Weiner-Davis, there are five stages of marriage. Each stage is part of the progression toward a more mature marriage. One of the hallmarks of the fourth stage is that each partner makes more of an effort to see the other person’s point of view instead of seeing each conflict as a battle between right (you) and wrong (your partner).

I eventually got to go to summer camp. Well, sort of. I never got to be a camper, but I worked at summer camps for four summers, including one summer at Big Lake. It wasn’t quite the same as being a camper, but I enjoyed being at camp just as much as I had imagined. Sadly, although it no longer hurts me in the same way, I still have the memory of having my feelings pushed aside for someone else. That memory motivates me to keep my husband’s needs and wants first instead of allowing other things to get in the way. If you want to join me in being more compassionate toward our partners, check out the links below for information on how to be more compassionate.

Thinking Gentle Thoughts: A Hippy Idea with a Practical Payoff

Tags

affection, gentleness, gratitude, kindness

Source: sjbikerides.com

I live in a very hippy part of California. People around here talk about finding their “inner bliss” and cleansing their aura, the smell of marijuana is more common than the smell of tobacco, and you’re more likely to see a poster for a free-expression dance class than one for puppies for sale (and the puppies poster is likely to have a note scrawled in pencil at the bottom pointing out that puppies are fellow creatures, not property). Now, I’m not against all of the hippy culture of my town, but I must admit that the vaguely spiritual, pseudo-scientific talk makes me roll my eyes sometimes. I’m a practical girl, and I’m generally more worried about cleansing my dishes than cleansing my aura. This week’s strategy reminded me of that type of talk at first and tempted me to roll my eyes. “Think Gentle Thoughts” sounds nice, but it just doesn’t seem that practical on it’s surface.

As I thought through my own experience, though, I realized that I have seen this strategy work in my life in practical ways. There have been times when I have consciously chosen to put myself into a gentler state of mind where I fill my mind with kind, compassionate, uplifting, forgiving thoughts, and to let go of thoughts that are harsh, aggressive, competitive, or angry, and on every occasion my interactions with my husband have been very positive for as long as I was able to stay in that state of mind.

The state of mind we are talking about here is not about specific thoughts, but about an emotional state. Just like moving into a state of anger has a visceral, total mind and body effect, moving into a state of gentleness is a complete mind and body experience. And just like anger, gentleness can be encouraged by the way you think about each situation you find yourself in. Gentle thinking encourages more gentle thinking.

The good news is that it does not matter if you are having trouble thinking gently about your partner at first. You can get yourself into a gentle state of mind by thinking about anything in your life with an attitude of gratefulness, compassion, joy, etc. Once you are in that gentle state of mind, you will find it much easier to transition into thinking gently about your partner (and behaving gently toward him).

No one stays in a gentle state of mind at all times. That’s not realistic. Still, the more often you can choose gentle thoughts, the easier it will be for you to treat your partner in kind and gentle ways that will enhance your relationship. For more information on how to put yourself into a gentle state of mine, check out the links below.

Finishing What You Start: Good for You, Good for Your Relationship

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awareness, kindness, marriage, passive aggression, procrastination, relationships

Source: melissapenton.com

I’m really good at starting things. Beginnings are fun! A new project brings excitement, possibilities, a change of pace. Finishing things? Not so much. I tend to get bored about 80% through a task and move on to something else. I’ll fill the dishwasher, but leave the five dishes that didn’t fit in the sink instead of washing them. Or I’ll write all the Thank You cards for my baby shower except one that I haven’t looked up the address for yet. Both of those examples: just from this week! Finishing things is just not my strong point, and I’m guessing I’m not alone in this.

The strategy this week is to finish what you start. Now, on it’s surface, this doesn’t seem like a strategy that will increase the peace in your marriage. After all, if you insist on finishing everything you start, you will have more to do than if you just let some things go, and that will increase your stress level and thus, the stress level in your marriage.

On one level, that’s true. If you obsess about things that don’t matter, and that stresses you out, it’s not going to help your relationship. On the other hand, when you follow through with commitments that affect your relationship, it enables your partner to relax and trust that you will follow through. Anyone who has the temptation to nag can understand this. When you are worried that someone won’t follow through on something important to you, you worry about it, remind the person, and generally focus on it way too much. When you know it will get taken care of, none of that happens. Instead, you can relax in the certainty that it will get done. Why wouldn’t you want to give that to your partner?

Obviously, there are times when you can’t follow through on something you planned on doing, or even promised to do. That’s okay! No one is perfect, so don’t beat yourself up if you are genuinely unable to complete a task. Just admit your dilemma and either ask your partner for help or let him know your plan for making sure it still gets done. Then strive to do better next time. Every time you follow through on a commitment to yourself or your partner, you build trust and peace with yourself and with your partner.

If this sounds like an area where you could grow, check out the resources below for more information on how to make this happen in your everyday life.

Avoiding Blurt Fights: Think Before You Speak

Tags

awareness, communication, marriage, relationships

Source: redemptionaz.com

Note: Starting this week, there will be two new posts per week, posted on Tuesday and Fridays, instead of three per week posted Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The Monday and Wednesday posts (strategy introduction and resources) tended to overlap, so I’ve decided to combine them. 

Everyone has a guilty pleasure or two, and one of mine is reality TV. Recently I’ve started watching a show called “Married at First Sight” where two strangers are matched by a team of experts, and their first interaction with each other is when they get married. They live together for a period of time, then decide whether they want to remain married. Interestingly enough, it seems to work sometimes for people who are really guarded and usually bail on relationships too quickly.

Anyway, on a recent episode, one of the couples was on their honeymoon. They were discussing the wife’s piercings, and the husband said, “Usually a lip piercing looks trashy, but it looks nice on you.” Unfortunately, all the wife heard was “trashy,” and they were off on their first real fight. This kind of fight is what I call a blurt fight – a completely unnecessary fight caused by speaking without thinking first.

The wife’s face right before the fight started – if you see this face, apologize quickly! Source: fyi.com

If you dig back into your mental collection of fights you’ve had with your partner, I’m guessing you’ll find at least one of these blurt fights. This is probably one of the easiest types of fights to avoid, but also probably one of the most common. I suspect the reason they are so common is that they are unintentional. It’s easier to recognize an unhelpful comment when you are in a bad mood or your partner has just said something rude and you are tempted to respond that it is when you are just going about your business. The negativity warns you to be careful what you say.

How can you avoid blurt fights, then? The trick is to recognize unhelpful comments on a consistent basis, not just when there is already negativity to warn you to watch your words. Carlson suggests this strategy:

If you have even the slightest doubt about whether or not your upcoming response is appropriate, ask yourself the following two-part question: ‘Is my comment going to add to this conversation – is it going to bring us closer, or is it likely to drive us apart?

There is a fine line here. You do not want to go through your relationship walking on eggshells, constantly worrying that you may accidentally offend your partner. On the other hand, the more often you can avoid unnecessary fights, the more time you can spend enjoying your partner and having peace in your relationship.

If you’d like more strategies for thinking before you speak, here are a couple of resources that may help:

1. A guide to assessing your situation and conversational partners before speaking: http://www.wikihow.com/Think-Before-Speaking

2. 6 questions to ask yourself when in doubt about something you’re going to say: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/6-reasons-why-you-should-think-before-you-speak.html

3. 2 strategies for determining whether to give someone feedback, and how to give it if it is necessary: http://www.derilatimer.com/t-h-i-n-k-before-you-speak/

What Makes You Put Your Partner on the Spot?

Tags

excitement, marriage, relationships, selfishness

As I promised Monday, we’re going to talk today about some of the things that might cause you to put your partner on the spot, and what you can do to avoid them.

Reasons You Put Your Partner on the Spot

 

Source: despicablewonderfullyou.wordpress.com

1. You get really excited and assume your partner will be excited too

When someone suggests an idea, and it sounds like a lot of fun to you, it’s easy to assume that your partner will be just as enthused as you are, especially if he usually is. Still, you never know which events will be the exception, so it’s kinder to let the person know you will check with your partner and get back to them.

2. You don’t think before you speak

This one often goes with getting really excited about someone’s suggestion. Instead of taking the time to consider all the implications, you just say “yes!” automatically. Although you probably aren’t intending to put your partner on the spot by doing this, you are still neglecting to consider his feelings. Fortunately, this one has a quick fix. All you have to do when you catch yourself doing this is to say, “Oh, darn, I’m so bad! I always forget to check with my partner first! Let me check with him and get back to you.”

 

3. You don’t want to upset the person asking

Sometimes people dislike it when a friend tells them that they have to check with their partner before agreeing to something. However, when you say yes to someone without asking your partner so you can avoid upsetting the person asking, what you are really saying is that you are more worried about that person’s feelings than about your partner’s feelings. Sometimes your friend might have a special circumstance that means you should temporarily guard their feelings very highly, and in that case it’s okay to say yes. For example, if a friend tells you that her mother just died and she really needs you at the funeral to support her, it’s okay to say that you will be there without asking your partner. Barring some special circumstance, though, you should value your partner’s feelings above those of any of your friends, and a quality friend will understand that.

4. You are being selfish

In case you haven’t noticed the trend yet, we’ve been moving from the more innocent reasons for putting your partner on the spot to the more troubling reasons. And this one is definitely the most troubling of the ones we have discussed. While the others are innocent mistakes or intended to spare someone’s feelings, this one is all about getting what you want. You might bring up in conversation a controversial idea of your partner’s or an embarrassing failing he has because you think the conversation that results will be fun even though you realize it will probably make him uncomfortable. Or, you might say “yes” to an invitation when you know that he would say “no” if you asked him first in order to pressure him into doing something that you really want to do. Don’t beat yourself up if you know of occasions where you have done this. The truth is, we all have a kernel of selfishness in us, no matter how hard we fight it, and occasionally that selfishness will win. Just determine, starting now, to avoid this kind of selfishness every time you catch yourself being tempted. After all, the long term happiness of your relationship is much more important than any conversation or social event.

A Practical Guide to Accepting Your Partner

Tags

acceptance, affection, attitude, awareness, marriage, relationships

“Well, you are welcome to take him if you want.” I had barely been tracking the conversation, but at this statement, my attention was suddenly caught. We were at college, and I was in the room of one of my best friends, whose roommate had been describing several of the good qualities of my friend’s boyfriend. What caught my attention was that usually this statement is made sarcastically, or in anger, but my friend appeared to be serious. Her boyfriend was, by all accounts, a pretty good boyfriend, and she had been dating him for several years, yet here was my friend, casually offering him to anyone who cared to take him off her hands. She was so caught up in focusing on the things she wished were different about him that she genuinely did not think she would care if someone stole him from her. As you might expect, they soon broke up, but the story eventually took a strange twist. We’ll come back to them in a bit, but let’s take some time first to look at how you can move toward being more accepting of your partner.

How to Accept Your Partner

 

1. Be More Accepting of Yourself

You may have noticed that the people who are most critical of others are often extremely critical of themselves as well. It’s part of a mindset that says that the world should be perfect, and if it isn’t, something is wrong. Thus, accepting yourself and recognizing that imperfect is normal and okay is an important first step to accepting your partner. If you think this might be a problem for you, check out this article: http://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/00013976

2. Be More Realistic about Yourself

Once you have come to recognize that perfection is not the goal, you can take an honest look at yourself and recognize all the things that your partner accepts about you. The point here is not to go back to feel bad about yourself (perfection is not possible, after all) but to be more realistic in your expectations for your partner. Check out this article for some ideas for assessing your personal strengths and weaknesses: http://www.myrkothum.com/personal-strengths-and-weaknesses/

Source: dailykos.com

3. Realize that No One is Perfect

Everyone in a relationship has to work with the imperfections of their partner. If you were in a different relationship, you might not be dealing with these specific imperfections, but you would certainly still be dealing with imperfections. For more on this, here’s an earlier post where we talked about why it makes no sense to envy other people’s relationships.

4. Appreciate Your Partner’s Good Qualities

Taking the time to remember your partner’s good qualities can go a long way toward letting go of your wish that he change. When your focus is on the good things that he brings to the relationship, you can see his weaknesses in their true perspective as being only a small part of who he is.

Conclusion

So what happened to my friend and her boyfriend? Well, as I said earlier, they broke up while in college. However, while her boyfriend tended to drift through life, which was one of the things that bothered her about him, he was entirely sure of two things: he was crazy about her, and he was going to be a part of her life in whatever way he could. Every time she moved, he found an excuse to move somewhere near her and keep the friendship alive. He did this for years, and everyone told him that he was sad and desperate and needed to move on, and everyone told her that she needed to shut him down once and for all, which she never did. Through all these years, she never dated anyone else, and one day she finally realized that the reason she had never dated anyone else was that, as she put it, “It had always been him.” They got back together, got married shortly after, and have been happy together ever since. Had he changed significantly since they broke up? Not really. He still had many of the same flaws that bothered her before. The difference was that she had realized that despite his weaknesses, there was something about him that was simply right for her, and she chose to accept him as he was. May we all experience that shift in our relationships, not just once, but over and over as we continue to commit to keeping our relationships as happy and content as they can be.

Find Your Partner’s Compliment Sweet Spot

Tags

appreciation, attitude, awareness, compliments, marriage, relationships

Source: dailymail.co.uk

I imagine that most of us can remember a few compliments we have received that either didn’t mean much to us or, even worse, felt insulting. Personally, I remember being told by a staff member at school that I had “really flowered as a leader” over the course of the school year. Her intention was good, but the compliment made me feel like she didn’t know me very well. You see, I have natural leadership tendencies, but they only come out once I am comfortable in a new place. What she was seeing was actually something that had always been part of who I was, not a new development. I recognized her good intentions, but the compliment still made me a little sad. As important as compliments are, their strongest impact comes when we are able to match the compliment to what is important to the person who is receiving the compliment.

How to Know What Your Partner Values

Source: wings2freedomcoaching.com

In order to compliment your partner effectively, it helps to know what they value. Here are a few resources to help you figure out what your partner values:

1. Build your understanding of your partner’s love maps. If you aren’t familiar with love maps, follow the link above to read our previous discussion on the topic. Research has shown that strong love maps are one of the keys to long-lasting relationships. Besides helping encourage longevity in your relationship, they also involve the kind of deep understanding of your partner that allows powerful compliments.
2. Look for things he values in his friends. Because people often pick friends who are like themselves, it makes sense that the things they prioritize when picking their friends are likely to be things they also like in themselves or would like to see in themselves. Either way, complimenting your partner on qualities that he values in his friends is likely to have a positive impact.
3. Ask your partner what he values. This article provides a long list of values that people frequently hold. Discussing these values with your partner will allow you to identify what is important to him. Complimenting him when you see him taking an action that aligns with his values is almost certain to touch him.

The Most Important Key to Compliments

Let’s not forget, though, the single most important quality of a powerful compliment: it has to be real. Look for things you genuinely appreciate about your partner. And if you can’t find anything to compliment? Well, that might mean that a change in your perspective on your partner may be in order.